it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
