I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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