He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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