drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize