What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
