you would pick up someone in the library
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
