I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize