Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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