i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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