The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
