Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
