Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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