We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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