Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
