i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
my poor anus
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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