She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize