I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
