i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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