Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
