You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
