I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize