I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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