this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
