I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
