i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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