Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
