And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
