There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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