I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
