I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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