i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
