Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
