I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
