Just fell off a train. Bad.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
