Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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