...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
