Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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