I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
