I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
smell my finger.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
