My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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