Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
