my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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