Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
