wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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