I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
