its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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