I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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