Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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