No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You don't make any sense
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