He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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