Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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