there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
