guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
