Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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