I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
