Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My penis needs a shock collar
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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