The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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