Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
