i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize