My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
