is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
