That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
