if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
