I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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