Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize