I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Panties = found
Randomize
