Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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