You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
