Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
