dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
