i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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